1
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,700
Ugh! God, it's so ridiculous
that we can't, like,

2
00:00:11,767 --> 00:00:13,300
control the heat
in our own apartment.

3
00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:15,200
It's like, we're old enough
to drink,

4
00:00:15,267 --> 00:00:17,267
we're old enough to chaperone
a high school dance, to vote.

5
00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:18,733
Like that did
fucking anything.

6
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,800
But to control your own
temperature, no.

7
00:00:20,867 --> 00:00:23,567
Some crazy landlord in the sky
gets to do that.

8
00:00:23,633 --> 00:00:25,667
And I was this close to being
able to afford

9
00:00:25,733 --> 00:00:28,367
the Hot Dream Q20-X
space heater.

10
00:00:28,433 --> 00:00:29,867
It's the one that
Drew Barrymore uses.

11
00:00:29,933 --> 00:00:31,933
Do you, like, get her credit
card statements or something?

12
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,533
I think she's got great taste,
and, like, a pixie spirit.

13
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,100
Dude, just let me
buy it for you.

14
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:37,433
I'm a waitress.

15
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,433
I am for real rich,
not (bleep) rich.

16
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,233
No, I don't want you
to buy it for me.

17
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:43,600
I should be able to buy this
stuff for myself.

18
00:00:43,667 --> 00:00:45,833
I mean, it's just hard
right now without a job.

19
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:47,767
I'm a little hard right now.

20
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,667
Okay.

21
00:00:53,733 --> 00:00:56,100
Oh, my God, when were
you gonna tell me?

22
00:00:56,167 --> 00:00:59,167
About what?
About this, Abigail.

23
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,633
The most powerful moment
in a woman's life:

24
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:03,633
Your first gray hair!
No, is it--

25
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:04,767
Oh, my gosh!
No, no, no!

26
00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:06,700
Yas, rejoice, yas, yas!
No!

27
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,567
I'm not rejoicing,
I'm freaking out!

28
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:10,067
What happened?
You guys okay?

29
00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:11,567
Dude, aren't you freezing?

30
00:01:11,633 --> 00:01:13,433
No, I was snuggled under
a blanket.

31
00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:14,600
What's going on?

32
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,100
Dude, Abi got her
first gray hair.

33
00:01:16,167 --> 00:01:17,900
I'm full-on flooding
with envy.

34
00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:19,667
Well, you can have it
if you want it.

35
00:01:19,733 --> 00:01:21,533
God, I wish it were
that simple.

36
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,700
Don't you see?
You're becoming a witch.

37
00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:26,533
A dope and powerful
fucking witch.

38
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:27,967
Like Dame Judi Dench.

39
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,100
And Stacey London from

40
00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:31,067
"What Not to Wear" before you.

41
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,167
You're ascending.

42
00:01:32,233 --> 00:01:33,733
Witches aren't real,
you guys.

43
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,067
(both laughing)

44
00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:38,200
Uh, okay.

45
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:39,367
Wow.
What do you think this is all--

46
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,600
What do you think is
happening here?

47
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:45,133
You think this is all
just literal stuff?

48
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,500
Dude, if witches aren't real,
then who makes all the kombucha?

49
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:51,267
And where do scarves
come from? Scarf tree?

50
00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,400
There's people that knit
all over the place.

51
00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:54,700
You are magical.

52
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:58,733
It's a swirling
chasm of magic.

53
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:02,167
Okay, I just thought that by
the time I'd have gray hair,

54
00:02:02,233 --> 00:02:03,667
I'd have--
I don't know,

55
00:02:03,733 --> 00:02:06,400
a MacArthur Genius Grant or
at least be posting pictures

56
00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:09,100
of "akai" bowls
on my Instagram account.

57
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,200
Acai.
Whatever.

58
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:14,400
Well, where am I now?
Nowhere.

59
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,800
I mean, what do I have?
Nothing.

60
00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:17,467
You have a gray hair
on your head.

61
00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:19,067
He's right.
That's something.

62
00:02:19,133 --> 00:02:20,967
First of all, I don't like
what's going on with you two.

63
00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:22,567
But you know what?
I'm gonna take

64
00:02:22,633 --> 00:02:24,933
my life into
my own hands right now.

65
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:28,133
I am gonna buy that
Drew Barrymore space heater

66
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,867
with my money that I make
selling my artwork.

67
00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:32,400
Double, double,
toil and trouble,

68
00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:34,533
fire burn and cauldron bubble,
bitch!

69
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:35,733
Oh, my God,
I totally forgot!

70
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,900
I have 250 handmade
Christmas cards

71
00:02:37,967 --> 00:02:40,200
that I was planning on sending
my 250 camp friends.

72
00:02:40,267 --> 00:02:41,600
250 camp friends?

73
00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:43,433
But not anymore.
I am selling 'em.

74
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,767
You know what?

75
00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:47,233
I am gonna set up
my table at the Met.

76
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,300
Ooh, yes!

77
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:49,367
(Abbi)
This is perfect.

78
00:02:49,433 --> 00:02:50,467
Can you set up with me?

79
00:02:50,533 --> 00:02:52,433
Uh, totally.
I just have to

80
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,933
meet up with my dad
for pedicures.

81
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:55,633
Oh, I thought that you said
that you were

82
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,233
doing the ice skating
with your mom today.

83
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,867
Whole... family day planned.

84
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,800
I just gotta make sure
that I find the time

85
00:03:01,867 --> 00:03:05,133
for a powerful
genital sneeze, or four.

86
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,367
'Cause I'm a cum kween!

87
00:03:07,433 --> 00:03:09,067
I just have to come
sometimes.

88
00:03:09,133 --> 00:03:11,600
Like today, so fucking much,
so maybe you guys

89
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:14,567
can get the fuck out
so I can jerk off real quick.

90
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:17,367
What?
What?

91
00:03:17,433 --> 00:03:19,100
I'm okay.

92
00:03:19,167 --> 00:03:21,267
I'm okay.

93
00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:23,167
Am I allowed
to behave that way?

94
00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:25,933
* Four and three and two
and one one *

95
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:28,933
**

96
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,367
(Ilana shivering)

97
00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:35,567
Knish, k'witch?

98
00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,300
Uh, yes, please.

99
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:38,767
Ooh! So much better.

100
00:03:38,833 --> 00:03:40,500
I think it's warmer out here
than it is in my apartment.

101
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:42,533
I can finally feel my toes.

102
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,133
Yeah, I love these knishes,

103
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,367
all pressed up on me and that
heat, you feel that steam.

104
00:03:47,433 --> 00:03:49,733
So how much do you have to sell
to get that space heater?

105
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,500
Well, with the BBandB coupon,
it comes to, like, 69 bucks--

106
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,067
Oh, horny number!

107
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,767
Ooh, yowza, love it!

108
00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:57,867
All right.

109
00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,100
Gotta run to my, uh,
hair appointment.

110
00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:00,467
Uh, nice to see you.

111
00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:01,867
I thought you said you were
getting pedicures

112
00:04:01,933 --> 00:04:03,667
and going ice skating
with your parents.

113
00:04:03,733 --> 00:04:07,700
Yes, and-- and then
haircuts with Eliot.

114
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:10,100
It's kinda like the Wexlers
Take Manhattan.

115
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,600
We actually call it that.

116
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:14,267
It's cute.
Yeah. Totally.

117
00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:15,600
Hey, new blood.

118
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,200
Welcome to the steps.

119
00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:18,267
I'm Margo.

120
00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:19,367
Hey.

121
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,533
Would you like a hit
of some soup?

122
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,067
Wow.
Homemade lentil.

123
00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:23,867
Oh, my goddess. You two have
the same thermos.

124
00:04:23,933 --> 00:04:25,700
Oh, wow, that's--
that's neat.

125
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:27,867
Same wheelie cart, too.

126
00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:29,467
Soul sisters.

127
00:04:29,533 --> 00:04:31,267
What a hot coincidence.

128
00:04:31,333 --> 00:04:33,600
Well, it's actually
the only one where...

129
00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:35,233
(both)
... the wheels don't
turn to squares

130
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,567
when you roll over snow salt.

131
00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:39,200
That was spooky.

132
00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:42,433
Cute cards, Young Abbi.

133
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,100
You're gonna be a hit here.

134
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:45,300
Thanks.

135
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:47,967
That Margo's a mighty witch.

136
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:50,767
She nearly gave me a clit,
throat and butt-gasm.

137
00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:53,067
Butt-gasm?
I'm a crazy,
sick sex addict,

138
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:56,067
like David Duchovny in that
show, and in real life.

139
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,067
Ilana, you're being
really weird.

140
00:04:58,067 --> 00:04:59,333
Oh, I gotta... run.

141
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,333
My annual family massage
appointment.

142
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,733
Damn, I am so horned up, dude.

143
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,133
Better jerk off before
I get on the subway.

144
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,233
Ew, Ilana, chill.

145
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,200
Later, Ab.
Super wet!

146
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,300
**

147
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:14,667
(sighs)

148
00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:20,633
You must be Ilana Wexler.

149
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:24,067
Come in.
Hi. Thanks.

150
00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:25,167
Beautiful apartment.

151
00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:27,833
Is this, um, pre-- pre-war,
or... yeah.

152
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:31,067
Yeah, I've lived here
50 years.

153
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,133
Wow.

154
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,267
There's a lot of history
in these walls.

155
00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:36,933
So cozy.

156
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,600
Wow, you can keep
plants alive.

157
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:41,133
You're an adult.
Yeah.

158
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,533
Go on in, don't be shy.

159
00:05:49,233 --> 00:05:50,467
So, Ilana...

160
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,533
Show me your vulva.

161
00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:58,533
So basically,
I've had more sex than, like,

162
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,267
anybody in the entire world.

163
00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:04,800
Not just average sex, but,
like, dank '70s porno sex.

164
00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:07,200
I can squirt,
and like, spray.

165
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,400
I leave a cum trail
wherever I go,

166
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:11,267
kind of like a slutty slug.

167
00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:12,567
Uh-huh.

168
00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:15,067
I'm just really on the edge of
orgasm at all times.

169
00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:18,467
So then what seems to
be your problem today?

170
00:06:18,533 --> 00:06:20,400
It's not, uh, my problem,

171
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,900
it is my friend
Abbi's problem,

172
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:25,933
so I'm just here
for her by proxy.

173
00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:31,400
She hasn't, uh,
orgasmed in months.

174
00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:36,633
And she's too embarrassed to
come, L-O-L, here, to see you.

175
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,467
I just want to help her
be a cum kween

176
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,167
like her best friend, me, is.

177
00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:45,667
So your friend hasn't come in
months and you're here for her.

178
00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:47,733
Exactly.

179
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:53,933
Okay.

180
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:56,433
If that's what you want to do.

181
00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:00,367
**

182
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:05,833
How's business, Young Abbi?
Oh, my God.

183
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:09,067
Um, it's going okay.

184
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,133
I've only made five bucks
so far.

185
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,733
Would you like a puff
of my wand?

186
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,167
It's pretty magical.

187
00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:16,767
Uh, sure.

188
00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:18,167
Cool wand.

189
00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:20,533
You seem cold.

190
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,433
You know, most people
don't realize this,

191
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:26,500
but you lose most
of your body heat

192
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:27,667
from your upper wing area.

193
00:07:27,733 --> 00:07:30,667
Wing area?
Oh, I just--

194
00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:32,233
Oh, wow.

195
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,467
That feels really good,
actually.

196
00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:35,567
Yeah, thank you.

197
00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:36,967
All right, well....

198
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,900
Holler if you need
anything else.

199
00:07:38,967 --> 00:07:40,567
It's lunchtime.

200
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:43,067
I guess it is lunchtime.

201
00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:46,833
Hey!
Same Tupperware!

202
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,067
Oh, yeah.

203
00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:50,167
Uh, twinsies, I guess.

204
00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:55,767
Beautiful, isn't she?

205
00:07:55,833 --> 00:07:57,733
Straight up gorgeous.

206
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,900
Ilana, I want you to
name your vulva.

207
00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:04,100
What about... "Abbi"?

208
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,200
All right, Ilana,

209
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,900
I want you to have a
conversation with Abbi.

210
00:08:08,967 --> 00:08:11,300
Tell Abbi how you've been
feeling lately.

211
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:13,067
Abbi...

212
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,967
you've been stubborn lately.

213
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:17,600
Like, withholding.

214
00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:18,900
You're so full of shit.

215
00:08:18,967 --> 00:08:21,733
You can't even focus enough
to relax.

216
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,233
You're not even
a vulva or a vagina.

217
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,733
You're just a butthole
that happens to bleed.

218
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,867
I fucking hate you, bitch!
Fuck you!

219
00:08:27,933 --> 00:08:31,700
It's okay.
It's just the first layer: rage.

220
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,467
Go deeper. Tell Abbi
what's in your heart.

221
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:38,367
Abbi, I...

222
00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:39,833
I know it's not you.

223
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,133
It's me.

224
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,067
I increased my dosage
of antidepressants.

225
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,167
And I've also just been more
anxious and depressed,

226
00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:50,133
this whole disgusting,
gross year.

227
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,867
And now I have dead pussy.

228
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:54,700
(voice-over)
Dead pussy.

229
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:56,267
Dead pussy.

230
00:08:56,333 --> 00:08:57,833
(Donald Trump)
Dead pussy.

231
00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,333
It's essentially dead.

232
00:09:04,567 --> 00:09:06,067
Dead pussy.

233
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,533
How about a little hug
for the Donald?

234
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:08,667
It's like a magnet.

235
00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:10,633
Grab 'em by the pussy.

236
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:13,067
Grab 'em by the pussy.

237
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:16,367
USA! USA! USA!

238
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,400
Grab 'em--
Grab 'em by the pussy.

239
00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,067
I won. I won.

240
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,333
Let's go, ladies.

241
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,167
Oh, my God!

242
00:09:23,233 --> 00:09:25,467
Game show president
nutsucker in chief!

243
00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:27,333
I haven't come
since the election!

244
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,400
And come is a lot of who I am.

245
00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,333
I'm a cum kween.

246
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,767
Oh, good.

247
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,900
Let it out, Ilana.

248
00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:36,400
You're not alone.

249
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:40,700
Orgasms have been down 140%
since (bleep) was elected.

250
00:09:40,767 --> 00:09:41,933
Ugh!

251
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:43,100
It's been horrible
for everyone.

252
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:44,933
Great for me, though.

253
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:47,400
I'm technically the only
small business owner

254
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:50,367
that that human skin tag
has ever helped.

255
00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:54,300
Betty, can you help me?

256
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:57,333
**

257
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,200
Oh.

258
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:02,867
Oh, um, you have a little--

259
00:10:02,933 --> 00:10:03,900
It's a gray!

260
00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:05,367
Uh, no.
On your nose.

261
00:10:05,433 --> 00:10:07,933
Here.
Take a look.

262
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,167
Oh, it's a--
It's a lentil.

263
00:10:11,233 --> 00:10:13,133
It's a lentil from
way... earlier.

264
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,667
I don't know how that
got up there.

265
00:10:14,733 --> 00:10:16,833
It's not a wart.
Huh.

266
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,033
Did you really do
all of these yourself?

267
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,500
Oh, yes, I'm--
I'm the artist.

268
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,367
I went to this small school
called MICA.

269
00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:25,567
Get out.
My daughter goes to MICA.

270
00:10:25,633 --> 00:10:27,633
Sorry, but how old are you?

271
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:29,900
I'm 51.
What?!

272
00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:32,133
Wait, you're 51.
Fuck you.

273
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,733
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
You're 51 years old?

274
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,833
I get that a lot.
I'm a dermatologist.

275
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,933
An Upper East Side
dermatologist,

276
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,033
if you catch my drift.

277
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,867
Yeah, okay, I see.

278
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:44,433
But what do you mean
by that?

279
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:47,133
Let's just say I can get my
hands on whatever a girl needs

280
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,167
to stay fresh
and young-looking.

281
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:52,033
Botox, fillers, bat feces.

282
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,133
Ew, wait.
Fillers?

283
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,833
I tell you what. I'm gonna
take five stacks of these cards.

284
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,200
My clients are gonna
love them.

285
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:00,933
Wow, okay.
Cool.

286
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,100
Um, that's awesome.

287
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:03,667
That'll be 50 bucks.

288
00:11:03,733 --> 00:11:05,533
Ugh!
And what a steal.

289
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,067
That's, like, free.

290
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,767
Yeah, it's nothing for me,
either.

291
00:11:09,833 --> 00:11:11,367
That's my business card.

292
00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:12,900
My office is just around
the corner, you know,

293
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:15,733
if you're ever in the mood
to... freshen up.

294
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,400
Oh.

295
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,600
I'm still in my 20s.

296
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:20,233
I mean, the gray is
super premature,

297
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,067
and the hunchback is just a
scarf to protect my wings.

298
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,267
No pressure.
Okay, thanks.

299
00:11:27,133 --> 00:11:29,600
I went to MICA, too!

300
00:11:29,667 --> 00:11:31,233
You could hear all that?

301
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:32,633
Spooky.

302
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,667
(exhales)

303
00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:38,500
(vibrator buzzing)

304
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,067
Ugh!

305
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:44,067
I think I'm just... broken.

306
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:46,400
You look perfectly
healthy to me.

307
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:49,233
Then why aren't I coming
yesterday?

308
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,067
Orgasms are a journey.

309
00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:52,400
They start in your mind.

310
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:54,367
You're traumatized
by the fact

311
00:11:54,433 --> 00:11:57,933
that a sexual-assault
bragging steak salesman

312
00:11:58,067 --> 00:11:59,567
has become our president.

313
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:03,933
You need to find a way to rise
above it in spite of him.

314
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:05,767
Look inside yourself.

315
00:12:05,833 --> 00:12:08,767
(sighs heavily)

316
00:12:08,833 --> 00:12:11,100
(buzzing)

317
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:13,933
Ew! Wait! Ugh!

318
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,700
God, I'm never
gonna come again!

319
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:18,233
It's not going to be easy.

320
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,633
Stay in the moment.

321
00:12:20,967 --> 00:12:22,600
Fuck you, (bleep)!

322
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:23,933
I'm going back in.

323
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,900
(buzzing)

324
00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:28,800
That's not too bad.

325
00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:32,100
Oh, my God.
Abbi?

326
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:34,500
(slow voice)
Jeremy?

327
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,100
**

328
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:41,600
(music playing backwards)

329
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,467
I thought that was you.
Hey! Hi!

330
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,467
How's it going, man?
"Man"?

331
00:12:48,533 --> 00:12:50,533
Natalie, this is Abbi,
my old neighbor.

332
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:51,733
"Old"?

333
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:52,867
Hi, Zabby!

334
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:54,833
Nice to meet you.
Oh, hi.

335
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,500
And this is Milo.

336
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,833
(Jeremy)
Yeah.

337
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,367
He adopted us.
Wow.

338
00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:03,200
Congrats.

339
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:06,200
I mean, and you're married,
that's-- that's awesome.

340
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,833
Oh, no, no, no.

341
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,300
No, no, we're not married.

342
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:10,867
She's not my property.

343
00:13:10,933 --> 00:13:12,267
No, yeah.
No, no.

344
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,900
We're best friends.
Soul mates.

345
00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:15,967
Co-parents.

346
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:17,300
Wow.

347
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:19,300
Um, yeah, obviously,
you're not married.

348
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:21,467
This is not what I do
for a living.

349
00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:23,933
This is--
I lost a bet, so that's why.

350
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,733
Nice cards.

351
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,467
Babe, we should get some.

352
00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:29,533
"Thank you" cards,
for the Planned
Parenthood fundraiser.

353
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,867
Oh, my God,
that's a great idea.

354
00:13:30,933 --> 00:13:33,467
These are great, Abbi.
Thanks.

355
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:35,967
Oh, I guess we need 'em all.

356
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,267
How much do you want
for all of these?

357
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:40,167
Oh, uh...
This-- This--

358
00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,667
Like, uh, 80 bucks
would be good?

359
00:13:42,733 --> 00:13:43,900
Totally reasonable.

360
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:46,167
And I love helping
struggling artists.

361
00:13:46,233 --> 00:13:49,067
Actually, you know what?
Keep it.

362
00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:52,133
No, I don't-- I can't.
A hundred bucks?

363
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,733
Okay, I mean that's--
That's a fair price.

364
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,567
God, it's crazy
running into you.

365
00:13:57,633 --> 00:14:00,067
Stay warm.
Good to see you.

366
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,933
You too, family.

367
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,733
Say bye, Milo!

368
00:14:07,633 --> 00:14:10,533
I should be pounding
that ass tonight.

369
00:14:18,633 --> 00:14:20,767
Hey, Margo, can you watch
my stuff for a sec?

370
00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:22,233
I got money to spend.

371
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,733
Money is a mind control
technique

372
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,500
that quantifies the progress
of the patriarchy!

373
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:28,867
Yeah, I'll watch your stuff.

374
00:14:28,933 --> 00:14:30,633
Okay.
Thanks.

375
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:31,967
(sighs)

376
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,500
An average-sized dick...

377
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:34,667
Yes.

378
00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:36,433
Electoral college!

379
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,833
Come on.

380
00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:41,933
Fat titties.

381
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:43,167
Mike Pence!

382
00:14:43,233 --> 00:14:45,367
Focus, focus...

383
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,333
Hairy taints...

384
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:51,933
Tiny, tiny hands!

385
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:53,167
Push through.

386
00:14:53,233 --> 00:14:54,667
Tap in.

387
00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:56,233
You are powerful.

388
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,067
You are woman.
Yes.

389
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:01,133
You... are... cum kween!

390
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,667
Yes. No!

391
00:15:03,733 --> 00:15:04,800
Yes.

392
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,367
When they go low, we go high.

393
00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:11,533
Women can get stuff done.

394
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,667
(classical music playing)

395
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,067
(Ilana)
He can never, ever take away
our cumming.

396
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:29,167
Yes. Yes.

397
00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:32,867
Aah!

398
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,833
Looking good.
Just let that sink in

399
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,467
for a little longer
before we hit the other side.

400
00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:42,767
So, uh, this is what
you use personally

401
00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:43,933
to look so young, right?

402
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,633
That and 20 of its cousins.

403
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,867
It's hard to be beautiful
these days.

404
00:15:47,933 --> 00:15:50,733
It is my full-time job,
but for most other women,

405
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,633
it's their second full-time job
where you're losing money.

406
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,400
Anyway, while you're here,
can I do a little peel or--

407
00:15:58,467 --> 00:15:59,567
No, I--
I don't need--

408
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:02,133
Obviously, your chin
is of concern.

409
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,333
I thought I--
I had a--

410
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,167
like, a Reese Witherspoon
chin.

411
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:07,900
Or, I can make you whiter.

412
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,900
Uh...

413
00:16:09,967 --> 00:16:11,667
You know what?

414
00:16:11,733 --> 00:16:15,067
I think that I'm, um--
I'm okay.

415
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,533
I think I'm good
with just this one.

416
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,633
This feels like a big deal.

417
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,333
But that first side hasn't
settled yet, so...

418
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,100
Yeah. Um...

419
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,133
I'm feeling like I made
a little bit of a mistake.

420
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,767
I found a gray hair and then
I ran into an ex of mine today,

421
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:31,267
and I think I just got, like,
real swept up in that moment.

422
00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:35,133
'Cause I actually really like
the way that I look, you know?

423
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,633
I think I'm really hot.

424
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:40,200
Usually. I usually
feel super hot.

425
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,933
But thank you so much.
You've been so kind to me.

426
00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,833
Um...

427
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,167
And you know what?

428
00:16:46,233 --> 00:16:48,267
I think you're
really beautiful.

429
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,900
And I think that you would be

430
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,067
even if you didn't do any of
this crazy shit to your face.

431
00:16:52,067 --> 00:16:53,667
(laughing)

432
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:57,767
Oh, no.
I laughed.

433
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,733
(sighs)

434
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,667
Hey, drink up.

435
00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:10,133
You lost a lot of fluids during
that humongous orgasm.

436
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,200
It's mostly weed, a little
ginger and some cumin.

437
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:14,533
It's really good.

438
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,133
I think I'm gonna cüm again.

439
00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:18,667
(shivering)

440
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,567
(laughing)
Yes!

441
00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:22,567
The floodgates are
open now.

442
00:17:22,633 --> 00:17:25,467
You've got a lot of orgasming
to do after a year of

443
00:17:25,533 --> 00:17:27,300
(bleep)-related pussy
constipation.

444
00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:29,867
I hate to 'gaz and dash,

445
00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:32,900
but I want to go tell Abbi what
"Abbi" accomplished today.

446
00:17:32,967 --> 00:17:36,100
Good.
I can't thank you enough
for helping m--

447
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:37,433
Oh...

448
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,700
Ooh, it's happening again!

449
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:40,500
Oh!

450
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,867
It's gonna be a big one!

451
00:17:42,933 --> 00:17:44,100
Oh!

452
00:17:44,167 --> 00:17:46,800
I'm gonna have to
get these rugs cleaned.

453
00:17:46,867 --> 00:17:49,200
**

454
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:52,533
Oh, Abbi?
Ilana?

455
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,067
Oh, my God,
this timing is weird.

456
00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,100
Are you sweating?
What happened to your face?

457
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,767
Well, I ran into Jeremy and
he's, like, married now.

458
00:17:59,833 --> 00:18:01,100
And then there was
this dermatologist

459
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,533
and she looked like
she was in her twenties,

460
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,133
but she was, like,
in her fifties.
Hot.

461
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,433
And then I just felt like
it's cooler to be,

462
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:08,133
like, hot and young
than warm,

463
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,500
but then as the Botox was
being injected into my face,

464
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:12,367
I was like, it's--
it's cooler to be warm.

465
00:18:12,433 --> 00:18:14,267
Botox?
Abbi, what?

466
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:15,933
Oh, my God,
my table's gone!

467
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:18,067
(bird squawking)

468
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:20,100
Oh, my God!

469
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,667
Dude.
Dude.

470
00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:26,700
"Dear Young Abbi,

471
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,867
"at the start of the winter
solstice tonight,

472
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,933
"come into the thicket
of the park.

473
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:32,700
You'll know when
you've arrived."

474
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:36,800
Oh, God, that is witchy!

475
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:38,500
(exhales)
Are you all right?

476
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:39,900
I'm phenomenal.

477
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,400
So my pussy hadn't popped
since the election.

478
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,633
What?
But Betty coached me
through it.

479
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:50,400
She tapped me into this
ferocious female current

480
00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:54,600
that is just constantly
zip-zap-zoppin'

481
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,967
around the universe
like the speed of light,

482
00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,267
and I bazinga'd.

483
00:19:00,333 --> 00:19:03,100
Hard.
Oh, my gosh.

484
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:05,367
It was just the most
incredible thing.

485
00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:07,367
I saw shit, man.

486
00:19:07,433 --> 00:19:09,267
Witches who run the world.

487
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,833
And witches aren't monsters,
they're just women.
Yes.

488
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:15,167
They're fucking women
who cum and giggle

489
00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:16,633
and play in the night.

490
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:18,333
And that's why everybody wants
to set 'em on fire,

491
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,833
'cause they're so
fucking jealous.

492
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:21,167
Dude, I don't know why
I ever doubted you.

493
00:19:21,233 --> 00:19:23,067
I'm in.

494
00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:25,067
(bird squawking)

495
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,933
(women laughing and howling
in distance)

496
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:32,167
Do you...
do you hear that?

497
00:19:32,233 --> 00:19:33,867
I think it's this way.

498
00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:36,200
I've never seen this part
of the park before.

499
00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:41,200
(laughing continues)

500
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,733
What the frig?
(laughing)

501
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:47,233
This is, like, "The Crucible"
and "The Witches of Eastwick,"

502
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,700
and Hillary Clinton getting
caught in the woods!

503
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:52,067
(Betty)
Ah.

504
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,333
Cum kween.

505
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,500
(Ilana)
Betty!

506
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:57,700
(Margot)
Young Abbi!

507
00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:59,233
You found us!

508
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:00,500
Ilana...

509
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,500
Maybe we really are witches.

510
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:03,700
Of course we are.

511
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:06,533
We're gigantic,
humongous witches.

512
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,767
Join us.
Oh, my God.

513
00:20:07,833 --> 00:20:09,667
Margo, you are just...

514
00:20:09,733 --> 00:20:11,100
Uh, you know what?

515
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:13,567
I gotta go see about a girl.

516
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:16,667
Please.

517
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:23,267
(laughing and shouting)

518
00:20:29,867 --> 00:20:31,933
Hey.

519
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,667
Hey, Ilana.

520
00:20:40,733 --> 00:20:43,433
It's period blood!

521
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:45,567
(women howling)

522
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,800
(howling and shouting
continues)

523
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:59,100
(Ilana)
I'm gonna cum!

524
00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:04,733
Thank you so much for
buying me the heater.
Of course, dude.

525
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,600
Witches have to have
each other's backs.

526
00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:10,067
What are you gonna do
now that you know you
have magical powers?

527
00:21:10,067 --> 00:21:13,833
Well, I think I'm gonna
whip up a spell to get a job.

528
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:15,200
Good call.

529
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:18,533
It is so bananas
that you got Botox.

530
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,333
Yeah, it is.

531
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,267
But to be for real,
I'm like,

532
00:21:23,333 --> 00:21:25,600
I would get it if I wanted it
at some point in my life.

533
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:27,133
Exactly.
I also heard about

534
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,833
this thing where you
can freeze your butt.

535
00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:30,367
They do that?

536
00:21:30,433 --> 00:21:33,567
Apparently, it makes it really
hard and shiny and grippable.

537
00:21:33,633 --> 00:21:35,833
Like a bowling ball, baby, yas.

538
00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:37,100
So what are you doing
back there?

539
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:39,267
'Cause it's just, like,
the one gray, right?

540
00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:41,700
Oh, yeah, just the one.
(nervous chuckle)

541
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:44,533
(whispering)
Thousand.

542
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,367
Cool.

543
00:21:53,567 --> 00:21:55,967
**